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“apparently hunger games has already come under criticism from historians who claim that it doesn’t depict the distopian future as it actually happened.”

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“You want to prevent earthquakes? Easy. Just pack the fault lines with styrofoam peanuts.”

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“i dont understand why people always say ‘that was a real shit milkshake’ instead of just ‘that was a real shitshake.’ alliteration is a dying art.”

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“They have fingerless gloves and now toe shoes, but not toeless socks or finger shoes. it’s strange.”

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“You know how at the halftime of rodeos they have the spider monkeys ride strapped to the back of golden retrievers, so it looks like they’re riding them? They should do the same thing in Congress. Whenever they’re  having a floor vote or eating dinner with lobbyists, the republicans have to be strapped to elephants and the democrats to donkeys. The president, of course, hovers around duct taped to the back of a bald eagle. I’m not exactly sure how this would help politics, but it sure would make people more likely to watch C-SPAN.”

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“Your kitchen or bathroom sink is the most convenient place to plant vegetables. Just fill the drain pipe with dirt and put in whatever seeds you like. Watering couldn’t be easier. But don’t plant something with huge roots, like an oak tree or a potato.”

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“ultimate frisbee is really big over there. instead of foosball tables in the bars they have foosbee tables. its really hard to make the plastic men catch the disk though.”

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“He followed that up with classics like ‘six day whore’ and ‘knaked knesset.'”

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“Yeah, for a while he made porn movies for Hamas. The first one, of course, was called Gaza Strip.”

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“I have no objection to frozen donuts, which are delicious, and surprisingly affordable. Rather my objection is to calling them fronuts, which is inane. and also already used for regular frozen nuts.”